First off, this is a website about you.

How long has it been since you last felt happy?

Well, perhaps you remember, perhaps you don't. But if you have found this website, there's a good chance that you're not happy right now, and are considering something called suicide.

I'm not going to say things like "it's all going to get better" or "I've been there" or "think about your loved ones". I'll provide you with this link, which I've visited multiple times throughout the years. There are plenty of resources online, and if you're here, I'm assuming you've already seen quite a few - or a lot - of them. Yet you still want to die.

Now, if you don't mind some reading, here's a whole bunch of words dedicated to you. If you do mind, go listen to Bet On It or Life Starts Now. Great songs.

I'll briefly introduce myself. I am the creator of this website, and I'm not a professional programmer, I just enjoy coding things from time to time. Ever since they began existing, my thoughts of suicide have never completely gone away, but they are significantly less intense once I've stopped giving myself pressure - to do things, to achieve things, etc. This morning I found myself writing a will as if preparing for suicide. I didn't finish it. This afternoon I'm making a website on neocities.org, typing out the words you're seeing right now.

I'm the survivor of a ridiculous amount of suicide attempts, from hanging to wrist-slitting to drowning in a river to jumping off a building. After each attempt I've felt scared, exhausted, frustrated, or sometime afterward, happy that I was lucky enough to still be alive; thoughts like I didn't push myself enough did occur, leading to other attempts. Sometimes I felt indifferent. Sometimes I felt as if even suicide didn't have a point anymore.

Now that I am alive and unconvincing to you, I'll quickly cover my current life philosophy that helps me look away from suicide: life is not a mission or a quest to find anything. Life is a journey, an experience - that's all. Literally. If you want to do something (perhaps aside from killing yourself, in this case), do it; and if you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you want to go to extremes, that's completely fine. Learn fingerstyle guitar or buy yourself two or three flowers, or start an evil cult - who am I to stop you?

There is no specific way of living. Nobody knows how to live better than you do.

Okay, perhaps you still want to die. Honestly, in the end it's all up to ourselves to push through these feelings. The most everyone else can do is to not bother you. No, there is no magical word that'll suddenly inspire you to have a direction in life. One can hope, but in the end only actions - and being alive - can change something.

Today, or tomorrow, I want you to not skip breakfast, and have a good night's sleep. Start by trying something new - listen to a genre of music that you've never paid much attention to before - electro swing is nice; or have a relaxing walk outside. Life is especially difficult for you right now, and maybe it won't instantly get better, but we always have the choice to say "fuck it, I still haven't tried Irish coffee, Death ain't taking me today."

You're doing great, buddy.

Thank you for taking the time to read all that. Still give Bet On It and Life Starts Now a listen, though. Great songs.

Always here for you. 2022

(Here's a trick for you: type / and your own name at the end of the link (e.g. iwannadie.neocities.org/david), and you'll get a "personalized" little message. Thought it would be fun.)